Dear Drarry
by avertian
Summary: An Advice Column with our favorite Slash pair, Harry and Draco! Read their thoughts on things from ninjas to pimples and everything in between! Guaranteed to cheer you up with the glory that is Draco's sarcasm and Harry's.. Well, he's Harry. R&R please!
1. Writer's Block

_A/N: Hey guys. :) This is my first ever attempt at an advice column with a very disturbing twist. It's Drarry at the panel! Yes, our favorite slash pair in all their catfight-y glory. :D R&R for more guys. :)_

_Disclaimer: They belong to the wonderful JK Rowling who, for reasons I cannot comprehend, outed Albus Dumbledore. shakes head_

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_Dear Drarry,_

_I'm stumped! I've been writing fanfiction for years but now I've been hit by a dragon-sized case of writer's block. Help me out of this!_

_Sincerely, _

_I.R. Good_

"Dear I.R., I'm honestly not surprised to find out that your so-called "writing prowess" has dried out, seeing as your own name breaches grammatical boundaries by itself. Really, 'I.R. Good'? I suggest you put yourself up for adoption post-haste. Surely there are a few dog shelters near your current residence, why don't you—"

"Draco, what'd I tell you about calling our audience as pets?"

"I was not referring to her as a pet. I was referring to her as a stray, rabid dog. She certainly sounds like one, barking and nagging, I've got half a mind to stick a bone up her—"

"Draco! This is an advice column. People ask us for a reason, you know. Why're you so touchy all of a sudden?"

"Touchy? I'm not touchy _Potter_. I'm merely aggravated at the daft choice of a first question. And why are you so protective of her? Fancy little Miss 'I.R. Good' eh? Well then—"

"…Do you have to do this now, Draco?"

"—if she's 'I.R. Good', I can honestly say that I'm 'I.R. Better'! Best, even! As a matter of fact, Miss Good, you should use that little piece of information to cure your problem.

It's the ultimate solution to your tendency to produce prose which gouges eyes and traumatizes minds. Write about the supreme light whose radiance seizes the hearts and minds of men and women alike, the sole messenger of sheer bliss and gratification to all who glance at his dazzling façade, the source of all beauty, with an appearance so blinding that you—"

"Mother of God, you're rambling on about yourself again!"

"Well I don't see anything wrong about that. It would certainly alleviate her lack of inspiration, will it not? After all, beauty reaches all corners of the body."

"Fine, I give up! Anyway, I do agree that you're beautiful. Now, Miss Good, I suggest you take a breather. Do something else for a while that could take your mind completely off writing. You could play a round of chess or take a few photos to gather inspiration from. Just do anything and everything that'll make you forget about writing. It's a great way to relax your thoughts and give you fresh ideas to start from. You could also read up on other authors so you could get a few tips or two. Whenever I'm short a few inches with my Potions essays, I ask for help from Hermione. cough Okay, I copy from Hermione but please don't do that; I just want to tell you about the value of asking for a hand now and then. You shouldn't go and plagiarize what others worked hard on. Ron, here's to hoping you're listening to this. Now, these are some of my tips on how to overcome writer's block… Um, Draco? You okay? You haven't interrupted me for 3 minutes, something's wrong."

"…You really think I'm beautiful?"

"Of course, I do. You're _my_ Draco. You always will be."

"Well then… I forgive you for earlier, Harry."

"Draco, I didn't do anything."

"Oh shut up, I'm forgiving you and all already! Don't expect anything more, Harry James—"

"Moving on, I hope that we helped resolve your problem and that you get to writing as usual now. If any of you out there would like to ask us a question, don't hesitate to owl us. If you're a muggle, you could send it through the internet. We always—"

"Ugh. Do remind me why we're allowing muggles to write us."

"Draco, muggles are great people, trust me. Millions of our fans are. I thought you'd love all the extra adoration and worshipping."

"…Fine. But I'm still not touching their post with my bare hands."

"You do need to work on your public relations Draco. I seriously recommend that. Anyway, again, please send us some letters! Anything would do."

"Do have the intelligence to use a pen name if your real one is as idiotic as the above, however."

"…Never mind."

end

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_A/N: I'm serious about the sending in letters part. :) Hope you like it._


	2. Pimples

_Dear Drarry,_

_Tomorrow's our big school dance. As luck would have it, I have a pimple on my nose! What do I do to get rid of it? I'm really desperate!_

_Sincerely,_

_Sad Spot_

"Oh I'm answering this one, it's definitely my field. Who could deny it, the perfection that is my flawless skin and radiant face, I'm sure to have the answer—oh wait. Let me rephrase that. I _used_ to have the answer to that, seeing as a very intelligent person decided—"

"If you're still mad about earlier, I already apologized, Draco. How was I to know that your facial cleanser was in that bottle? I really thought it was Hedwig's bath water!"

"For your information, that cleanser contained more minerals than you can find in the depths of Gringotts and it's probably as expensive. Mother would have a hissy-fit if she knew I emptied out her last bottle!"

"—You use your mother's cosmetics?"

"It's not—don't call it—I'd rather—"

"Draco Lucius Malfoy-Potter uses women's cosmetics? Merlin."

"They're not women's cosmetics! And what did I tell you about me using your last name?"

"You told me not to say it in public but that's not the point now. I still can't believe—"

"I told you they're not women's cosmetics! By Salazar Slytherin, I swear, you'll be the death of me, Potter. Now let's stop talking about it and continue with answering Mrs. Longbottom here—"

"Well I still think that it looked like it was supposed to be bathed in by owls."

"…"

"Okay, I'm stopping. Shutting up. Not talking. Zipping my mouth. Throwing away the key. Go on, Draco."

"…Thank you. Now, as I was supposed to say before I was so rudely interrupted by my mute witless wonder here, always use facial cleanser. Prevention really is better than cure and I'm sure you wouldn't fancy having blemishes pop out at the most inopportune moments."

"By the way, why'd you refer to her as Mrs. Longbottom?"

"I thought you weren't speaking. Sad, I was getting used to the intelligence that was restoring in our area that was brought about by your silence. Anyway, to answer your question, I'm sure it's fairly obvious that our reader shares some of his genes. Proof of which is the horrible blemish in between Neville Longbottom's ears—his face—so I'm positively certain they're related."

"Malfoy, I told you never to insult my friends. Just because we're together doesn't mean—"

"Well, Potter, it's not much of an insult if it's the absolute truth. And I'm sure Mrs. Longbottom here would agree with my pursuit of honesty with regards to her question."

"Fine! Go on then! Give her some practical advice if you really can."

" I was just doing that when you, for the zillionth time, interrupted me. Now aside from facial cleansers, you can use Lady Linda's Blemish Be-Gone, a wonderful cream that can be ordered at any wizarding beauty bar near you—"

"She's a muggle, Draco."

"A muggle? Ugh, I forgot we were taking those in. Ghastly sort of spot that is, I'm sure. However, my knowledge does extend to some muggle products that may be worth trying. I'm confident that there are muggle versions of Lady Linda's product but I have no idea what they are. In fact, even I don't use her blemish cream! My Pureblood skin is far too perfect and spot-free that it—"

"Hold on, are you sure?"

"—What?"

"I meant, what you just said, are you sure? Because I distinctly recall you having this huge zit right there at the middle of your forehead—"

"What—of course not—I did not have—"

"—enormous as Snape's nose and twice as oily as that too! Merlin, how—"

"Potter, you dare—"

"—could I forget your screeching and whining, _'Harry! Harry! My face! My_—"

"Shut up Potter! Don't—"

"—_horribly disfigured face! _Gods Draco, your whining was ear-splitting, it was. Are you sure you don't remember it? I think it was visible all the way up on the moon—"

"_Blemissimo Bodigo!_"

"…"

"There. You should've listened to me when I told you to take up Advanced Transfiguration. Now let's see you try to talk when you're nothing but a disgusting little wart."

"…"

"Hmm. I wonder if I could trade you in for a new bottle of that cleanser."

end


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